I don't take off my armor. I don't let my guard down. And I damn sure don't ever lay down my arms. When you've had to struggle and bite and claw to continue your way through life, you never learn how to not fight. The moment I drop my spear, I give the demons the high ground. The second I drop my shield, I find myself overcome by the monsters that surround me. The day I take off that armor, I resign myself to die.
Is it a lonely existence? I'm told it will be. But the people I matter most to seem to stick around. And I will always be grateful to those who decide to stick to my side.
A warrior doesn't have any choice but to fight. When the battles are over, so is the reason for living. But a warrior does have a choice (most time) of what battles he fights. And lately, I've been choosing a lot of wrong battles. I haven't found my cause, my purpose in life. And so I've been fighting everything that is even remotely disagreeable in my life. I've been making enemies out of friends. I've been lashing out at people who are just as much victims as I'll never allow myself to be again. And the worst part is, I can't figure out why.
Lately, I've felt like a stranger living someone else's life. I've felt detached, like everything is so foreign. Nothing feels like it used to. The things that made me laugh, made me smile, made me happy, they barely cause a stir anymore. Or they make me feel bitter.
I need to figure a few things out for myself. And for that reason, I've decided to shy away from things for a bit. I'm not disappearing, nor am I leaving. But I'm gonna be standing in the background for a while. I need to figure out why I've become so angry and bitter and resentful about the things I do. And until I do, I need a small breaking from doing them.
When I come back from the sidelines, put myself back in the mix, it'll be with a fresh, positive mindset. Until then, I'm not worth having around anyway.
Could be depression. Sometimes the inner fight you feel you need to fight drains away the resources you need to find joy in life, to trust, to love, most importantly and perhaps hardest of all, to forgive.
ReplyDeleteBelieve it or not, I was once where you are. I think each of us finds our own path on our own accord and on our own timeline.
I would say at least consider the possibility that whoever wounded you so much you feel you always have to be on guard, you should investigate forgiving for their transgressions.
Not for them, but for you. In reality, forgiveness is just ourselves acknowledging that the past is not what we thought it should be and acknowledging it for what is was.
Then finding the inner strength to move on.
Be well.